


Hold You In My Arms

by FridayKnights



Category: Destiny (Video Games)
Genre: Destiny: The Taken King DLC, Falling In Love, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, The Red War (Destiny)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 01:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20899205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FridayKnights/pseuds/FridayKnights
Summary: Shaxx thought his love for Nicolai was unrequited, but for the first time in his life he’s happy to be so wrong.(The fic title is from the song Hold You In My Arms by Ray LaMontagne)





	Hold You In My Arms

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAA! I’ve been sitting on this fic for so long and I’m finally positing this so I’m excited. This is their getting together story and... I just adore them so much. I hope you enjoy!

There was never really a first date between the two titans. They’ve both been out together before, usually for a meal or to share a couple drinks, but nothing special. Shaxx was always Nicolai’s go-to back in the day when Saint-14 wasn’t around. At the time the exo wasn’t on his 14th reset, only his 5th or 6th. 

Whenever their on and off relationship was set to “off” Nicolai would run to Shaxx before he even thought about anyone else. His escapades with other guardians mostly happened when Shaxx was tied down to someone else and wasn’t available to Nicolai, and occasionally when he invited a third party when he met up with Shaxx. 

Things were fun back then, and much more simple. 

If they were both single, they messed around. If they weren’t, they didn’t. They still went out and had a good time as friends either way but they were never dates. Shaxx wanted to take Nicolai out on a proper date but the other Titan always told him no when he asked. Dates seemed like a promise for something more, something he didn’t think he could give Shaxx at the time. 

They settled for what they had and enjoyed it for a very long time. 

Years blend together when you’re immortal, they both knew this. What they had between them would only last so long. Eventually, many years after Saint-14’s disappearance, most people classified him as dead. Nicolai hadn’t believed it, not many people were on his side. Shaxx knew he was, but didn’t feel the need to argue with Nicolai about it. One day he’d see the truth. 

One night Shaxx realized he had enough of just messing around. He wanted more. He had always wanted more. All he wanted to do was romance Nicolai the way he deserved and not whatever the fuck they had now. They were friends, the benefits were nice, but it was like slow torture to touch Nicolai but never to hold him close. The other Titan said he liked to cuddle but never allowed Shaxx to hold him in that way. After a while it began to hurt, Shaxx tried not to take it personally but couldn’t help it. 

“This isn’t enough for me,” he told Nicolai one night. “I need more.”

“I’m not ready to give you more.”

“Not even a chance?”

“It’s not like I don’t want to...” 

“Then just a date. One. That’s all I’ll ask if you right now.”

Nicolai agreed to just one date. 

The date itself wasn’t bad. They went to the ramen place Cayde is always dragging them to because they both could have a couple bowls, drink some Sake, and listen to the drunk guardians do karaoke in the background. It was always a good time there. 

And it had been a good time. A group of hunters sang some golden age song by the spice girls, totally shit faced, and Nicolai couldn’t take his eyes off of them while they sang and danced. Shaxx couldn’t take his eyes off the man in front of him. It seemed like things just weren’t any different, and they wouldn’t be for a long time. He knew what Nicolai was thinking. 

The night ended in a way Shaxx hadn’t anticipated. He assumed that even if the date itself wasn’t successful, and it really hadn’t been, he’d at least get some action out of the deal that way it wouldn’t be a complete loss. To his surprise it had been just that: a loss. 

Nicolai went home after dinner, Shaxx went east towards his own place with not even as much as a kiss. At least he had his answer, he thought, the two of them just weren’t meant to be, just like it was with Nicolai and Saint back in the day. No matter how hard they tried it just wouldn’t happen. 

Nicolai was never meant to be loved by only one person. 

Shaxx, now, knows that isn’t exactly the case. 

Many years go by and they rekindle their flame. They go for what feels like a lifetime without talking to each other or hanging out. Right before Nicolai gets thrown in to killing Crota he starts to show up in the Crucible again, something he hasn’t done for as far back as Shaxx can recall. 

It was so nice to see him in action again. Every movement Nicolai made was with confidence and accuracy. Seeing him throw shields at the heads of other guardians was damn near therapeutic! He was merciless! Nicolai was ever the Titan, nothing held him back! 

Shaxx was inspired and hopeful that time had done them both well. 

He approached Nicolai who was surprised to see him. They celebrate Nicolai’s first place win and his ten game winning streak by going out for dinner, Shaxx’s treat. There was no mention of the word date because it wasn’t supposed to be one, Nicolai didn’t seem to care either way since he was getting a free meal. 

And dinner was nice, they ate and chatted each other up about damn near everything they could think of- just like old times. That in itself was a very dangerous thing. 

They went their separate ways after dinner. 

Nicolai showed up for a few matches here and there, he had mostly been caught up in doing stuff for Eris. Shaxx got to see him more often that way, he’d always look over his shoulder as he made his way back up the stairs after talking to Eris, he’d usually smile at Shaxx or wave, not much more. He’d occasionally say hello if he walked by on his way to see one of the vanguards, usually it was Cayde since they were good friends. 

But things hadn’t changed much. After a win they’d share a meal together and talk, nothing more than that. It was.... nice. Shaxx was getting that “this isn’t enough” feeling again and knew he was fucked. 

  
Nicolai kills Crota and everyone in the tower is buzzing with excitement. Shaxx can't walk anywhere without hearing the story, and the story is worth telling that’s for sure. Another danger lurks in the darkness and he could feel it, and judging by the looks upon Nicolai and Eris’s faces, he knew they could feel it too. 

Some time passes before he hears about Oryx, the taken king. Nicolai shows up even less around the tower ever since his first mission to the dreadnaught. He’s not around much, not even to go see Eris. One day he asks her, out of pure curiosity, how Nicolai is doing. 

“I think he’s scared of Oryx, but he’s determined.” She said. 

“He’s not the type to be scared.”

“No, he isn’t. This time he has every right to be scared. The hive can strike fear into even the bravest of hearts. Oryx isn’t someone he should take lightly.”

“Do you think he’ll be alright?” Shaxx doesn’t bother to hide his concern. 

“I think he’ll strike down the taken king and come back victorious. I also think it’ll be hard for him to wash all of that blood off of his hands. Nicolai will need someone to leave on.” 

Eris sighs softly. She gives what Shaxx assumes is a knowing glance, as if she needn’t finish her thoughts at all, but Shaxx purposely remains ignorant in that moment. 

“I believe Nicolai needs better support, he’s alone right now it’s killing him. There is only so much I can do as his friends. What he needs is not something I can do for him.” Eris makes a vague gesture towards Shaxx. “You, on the other hand, can help him in ways I cannot.” 

“And what exactly can I do that you cannot, Eris?” He can tell where Eris is heading with this and he didn’t like it. 

“He _ loves _ you, Shaxx.” 

Eris opened her mouth to continue but Shaxx had immediately excused himself after hearing her words. 

There was no way Nicolai could ever love him in that way and Shaxx didn’t plan on getting his hopes up based on hearsay. It couldn’t be true, right? 

Nicolai kills Oryx and Eris was right as usual. 

Only a few days after Shaxx heard about the news he found Nicolai waiting for him outside of his door. His heart pounded as he walked up the pathway to see Nicolai sitting at his stoop with a dark expression on his face. 

“Are you alright, Nicolai?”

He was silent for a moment. His bright blue eyes seemed to glow in the dark that stood between them. He was looking at Shaxx intensely as if he’d find the answer on the surface of the crucible handler’s helmet. 

“No I’m not.” He says after a long pause. “I haven’t been alright for a while.”

“What can I do to help you then?”

“Probably not much, but having some company would be a good start.” 

Nicolai speaks with an honesty Shaxx hasn’t heard in quite some time. It was risky of him to show up unannounced for the first time in decades but tonight seemed different. 

They both stepped inside and Shaxx excuses himself to go shower and change. He looks at Nicolai with a suggestive expression but he doesn’t take the bait, that alone was a huge surprise. Nicolai sits down on the couch and says he’ll wait, he had all night and wasn’t in a rush. He even told Shaxx to take his time. 

Nicolai was already dressed down from his armor. He wore a white t shirt and a comfortable pair of black pants, Shaxx decided on something similar once he finished his shower. A pair of old navy blue sleep pants and a gray tank top, nothing special but it was comfortable. He walked back out into the living room to see Nicolai sprawled out across the couch like he was trying to get comfortable but he couldn’t. 

Shaxx was never one for wasting any time. 

“Why did you come here tonight?” He asks. 

“I didn’t wanna be alone.”

“Why?” 

“I’ve been having nightmares again.” He confesses. “So I haven’t been sleeping at all because of it. That alone is catching up to me. It’s been 3 days, Shaxx. I need to sleep.”

“Did you really come here for a good nights sleep?” Shaxx asks him. He nudges the other’s legs off the couch so he has a place to sit- it is his place after all. 

“I guess you could say that.” Nicolai swings his legs back up and rests them on Shaxx’s lap. He offers him a small smile. “Is that alright?” 

“Just… to sleep?” He doesn’t hide his confusion. 

“I said I didn’t want to be alone, I’m too afraid to sleep by myself. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Your friends are an option.”

“Yes but… I’d rather be here with you.” 

Shaxx isn’t sure how to respond. His heart is pounding in his chest harder than he’d care to admit upon hearing Nicolai’s soft spoken words. He wants nothing more than to kiss him in that moment and tell him everything will be fine. He wants to tell Nicolai the three words he’s been dying to say for more years than he’s willing to count. 

Instead Shaxx doesn’t say a word, he nods instead. He gets up to get them both a drink, something warm and sweet that will put them to sleep. They drank their tea while relaxing on the couch for quite some time, just until Shaxx didn’t think he could keep his eyes open any longer. Nicolai was following him closely as they walked to his bedroom. 

They both peel off their shirts and lay there under the covers. Shaxx half expects Nicolai to be all over him since that was usually how these things went, but to his surprise the other Titan simply rolled over and started to get comfortable. He was much more quiet than usual, too. Maybe he really did come over just to sleep. Shaxx wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or grateful that he was trusted by the other man enough for something like this. 

“Shaxx…”

His voice is quiet, the former warlord almost doesn’t hear him. The room is dark and silent between them. Shaxx heard the rustling of sheets and the blanket lift up slightly. 

“What’s wrong? Still can’t fall asleep?”

“No.” Nicolai admits. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Another one?”

“Will you just ... hold me ... maybe.” 

“Hold you?” 

The words are shocking to him. Nicolai never let Shaxx hold him before, hearing him ask for it was mind blowing all on its own. He thinks about saying no. He had wanted to hold him close for so many countless years and was repeatedly shut down, but now that Nicolai is in need and asking it’s almost hard to say no. Shaxx makes a mental note that it’s not impossible to say no to him, but he would feel bad if his answer was anything but yes. He wants to hold Nicolai still, he realizes, and it soon dawns on him that the yearning he had never left. He told himself a million times he was over Nicolai and that he wasn’t going to wait for him forever, but hearing the plea in his voice as he’s asking for something he knows Shaxx may not want to give him only makes his heart pound faster. Nicolai had no idea how badly Shaxx wanted to hold him still, even after so much time has passed. 

Shaxx thinks about saying no one last time. it’s only because he knows one thing will happen as a result, he’ll finally get the feel of holding Nicolai in his arms and never want to let go. So he says it. It comes out more like a warning than anything else. 

“If I hold you I won’t want to let you go.” 

“Then don’t.” He said, like he’d been practicing that line for weeks. “Don’t let me go.”

“Do you realize what you’re asking me, Nicolai?” 

“I know it’s a lot, I’m sorry. I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been scared but when I’m here with you I feel safe. I can’t imagine being anywhere else right now.”

He made it all sound so simple. 

“Being next to you isn’t enough Shaxx, I want- no, I _ need _ to feel you around me. I do realize what it is that I’m asking of you, I just-”

Shaxx caves in before he can even finish his sentence. He rolls over on to his side to face Nicolai and has his arms around him in an instant. His chin rests on the top of Nicolai’s head and his arms wrap tightly around his waist. Nicolai melts into his touch and cuddles back, his arms wrapping around Shaxx’s body as well. Their legs become tangled together under the blanket. Their bodies fit together so perfectly, just as they both suspected they would. 

“Why would you never let me hold you like this before?” Shaxx has to ask. He needs to know. 

“I was scared. Deep down I knew what would happen if I let you get too close to me.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’d fall for you and I wasn’t ready for that.” He’s honest and his voice is raw and tired. “I was afraid to fall.”

“I would have been their to catch you, you know.”

“I know. I wasn’t ready to take that leap. I’m still not sure if I’m ready yet. Truthfully, my mind isn’t in a good place right now but I won’t make you wait, not anymore. That would be wrong of me to do.”

“I may be sick of waiting Nicolai, but-“

“No buts. It was selfish of me to come here in the first place and ask for you to cuddle me to sleep. I don’t deserve this. I don't deserve you. I never have.”

“That’s not true-“

“Is is, Shaxx. I was nothing but selfish and ran to you every chance I had because I knew your door was always open for me. That was wrong of me to do and I regret it. I should have done things right.”

“And what exactly is _ right _to you?” He asks. 

“I would have stopped trying so hard at my failed relationship and focused more on what was right in front of me this whole time.”

Shaxx isn’t sure how to respond to his confession. He’s still for a moment before moving his head back enough to see Nicolai who’s nuzzled up against his neck and holding him with trembling arms. He soon realizes that Nicolai is crying. 

“I’m here now.” He says and hold him tighter. “I promise.” 

Soon after the tears stopped Nicolai found himself asleep in the comfort of Shaxx’s arms. He felt safe. He wasn’t alone. He was loved.   


Weeks go by and they don’t bring up that night again. Nicolai has stayed over a handful of times since then but he’s mostly wrapped up with missions and his friends, it almost feels like they’re sneaking around when there’s no reason to. When Nicolai does show up its usually pretty late and Shaxx is half asleep. He crawls in bed beside him and goes to sleep. Every night he spends they end up cuddling but not much more than that. It’s odd to the crucible handler that they haven’t done more than share a few passionate kisses, the other Titan hasn’t even tried to shove his hand down Shaxx’s pants. So he asks. 

“Do you not wanna have sex?”

Nicolai laughs at him. 

“That doesn’t sound like me at all. What kinda question is that?”

“You’ve been sleeping in my bed for almost a month and haven’t even tried to fondle me. _ That’s _very unlike you.”

“Well… I guess you have a point there.”

“So, is there an issue? Is it me?”

“It’s not you.” He answers honestly. 

“Then what is it?” 

Nicolai sighs and looks away. He’s fiddling his thumbs like he usually does when he’s anxious, Shaxx can’t help but notice his nervous habit. 

“Trust me, I’ve wanted to climb you like a tree for a while now. It’s just…. I don’t want that to be the only thing that’s between us.”

“I never thought I’d hear you say something like that.”

“Me neither.” He says, and he means it. “And that scares me.”

Shaxx suggests they talk about it, what exactly they both want from each other and what it all meant. Nicolai says he’s unsure how ready he is but knows that he doesn’t want anymore random hookups and wants something more stable instead. Shaxx wants that too, but..

“If you’re not ready for it now then what’s the point?” His words are harsh but they’re honest. 

“I know and that’s why I haven’t tried to do anything with you. It would bring us back to where we were before. I’m like a potato chip, you can just have me once.”

“You’re such an idiot sometimes, you know that?” 

“Yeah, I do.” 

Nicolai smiles and Shaxx can’t help but smile back.

“You’re my idiot.” He says. 

“I know. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

They decided that it was best to let things play out and be friends for now. Neither of them wanted to rush into anything and they agreed it would be fine to remain friends and hang out when they both had free time, which wasn’t very often to begin with. 

Nicolai was caught up with official Vanguard business and wasn’t seen much around the tower for some time. Shaxx didn’t catch him much around the city, either.

They’ve both grown used to how things between them became. They’d hang out and talk, train together on occasion, sometimes they’d have sex and it was as great as it always had been but it wasn’t the main focus of their relationship anymore. They spent most of their time truly getting to know each other and it was nice. They were almost like friends with benefits but with a few strings attached and more focused on the friends aspect than the benefits. 

Then the cabal attacked the traveler and everyone lost their light. No one had been spared that fate. Those who didn’t die that day felt as good as dead without their blessing. 

Shaxx and Nicolai fled together and ended up at the farm, they both helped Hawthorne set everything up for other refugees to come. That was the pivoting point in their relationship. Thinking this could very well be their last life together made them realize that they really did not have all the time in the world anymore. Time was no longer something they could defy. Without the blessing from the traveler they’re nothing but normal people, no powers, no immortality, nothing but their will to live and fight. That was something Nicolai hadn’t felt it a very long time. 

Things changed quickly and became serious between them. 

“If I die forreal this time,” Nicolai starts to say as he’s gearing up. “Promise you won’t cry, ‘kay big guy?”

He’s putting on his armor to head into the Dark Forest where the shard of the traveler is in hopes of restoring his light. His ghost, Summer, is twirling around his head in anticipation. She was telling him every fact she knows about the dark forest but soon realizes Nicolai’s not even listening to her. The aura in the room shifted dramatically and she stopped her excited gabbing.

“Don’t talk like that.” 

Shaxx is in the room they’re sharing putting on his own armor. He had plans on setting up shop to give refugees the opportunity to still fight in the crucible. Even if they were without their light it would give them the opportunity to still fight, and Shaxx could convince them with his words that now is not the time to give up but to train harder and be prepared for anything. 

Now his mind was not on the crucible but on Nicolai. His words struck a chord in a heart that he didn’t like. 

“I’m serious. We don’t have our light anymore, you never know what battle will be our last.”

“You don’t need to remind me, Nicolai.”

“I just… it’s been centuries since I’ve felt like I could actually die. Even fighting Oryx I was petrified, but this is different. This death will be permanent. Or it could be, anyways.”

“You’re talking like you’re going to die. Stop that.” 

“I don’t mean to, but I have no idea what could happen to me once I leave. Of course I don’t_ want _this battle to be my last but it very well could be. Those are the facts.”

“Well, let’s hope it’s not your last battle today.” Shaxx says. He’s looking at Nicolai with a look that the other cannot quite place. He can see the hurt in his dark eyes, and Nicolai feels his heart break in his chest. 

“I hope not either.” 

Before Shaxx puts in his helmet Nicolai is in his personal space and kissing him with a passion he’s never let himself show before. He doesn’t want to let Shaxx go, he doesn’t want to leave him knowing that he may never return, all Nicolai wants is to be with him and he’s never wanted anything more. 

“I hope you know I love you. I always have. _Always._” Shaxx feels like now is the perfect time to say it. The words have been hiding behind his lips for far too long, to finally say them lifts a weight off of his chest he hadn’t realized was there. 

Nicolai’s eyes water instantly. He tries to keep a brave face as tears fall down his cheeks. Despite knowing how the other felt, hearing those words was a completely different feeling. It was overwhelming as much as it was sweet. 

“I know.” He says after a moment. It’s ironic that that’s his response to hearing _ i love you, _it was how Saint-14 always responded to him when he had said it to him, but this isn’t Saint-14 and himself, it’s Shaxx and himself. Nothing about their relationship was similar to the “disastership” he had with the Exo centuries ago. 

“I’ve love you, too. I have for a while now, I was just afraid to say it.” Nicolai finally speaks. He’s wiping the tears from under his now puffy eyes. “I wish I hadn’t been so afraid.”

Shaxx pulls him close then and the tears Nicolai tried so hard to stop broke through like a flood. He gave in completely and didn’t bother to try and stop the tears as they came. He’d apologize about crying all over his armor later when he returned, he silently vowed to himself that he would make it out alive just so he could be with Shaxx again. If he couldn’t find the strength for himself he could find it for Shaxx. 

“We’re together now.” Shaxx kisses his temple and continues to hold him close. He savors the moment and hopes that it won’t be their last, but he knows it won’t. He believes in Nicolai. He knows the strength the other Titan holds, light or no light, it didn’t matter. 

  
In the end, they both find something much more potent than the light of the traveler. Their love for each other was the one thing that kept them alive through the Red War and gave them the strength to keep fighting on. 

“A life without you is not one I want to live, that is what gives me the strength to keep fighting.” Nicolai said to him before the battle to reclaim the tower. “So I will tell you just how much I love you until the very end. Get used to it.” 

It didn’t take long for Shaxx to grow used to hearing Nicolai say those three words. He could listen to them forever. 


End file.
